fairies – missing things

I think in a previous life I pissed off the fairies.

Just recently everytime I go to look for something that I know is in a particular place, I can’t find it.

Take for example the night of Natalie’s hens night; I knew I wanted to wear make-up and feel all pretty. I went to my draw where I *knew* my mascara was. Got to the draw to find it wasn’t there. I searched high and low for two solid hours, and couldn’t find it anywhere in the house. I even requested the help of my sisters, and they failed. The next morning, guess what I found in the draw where it should’ve been the night before?

Just now I’ve gone to get my hair straightener from the place it’s supposed to be in. I saw it there this morning and thought, “Hrm, I’ll need that tonight.” and left for work. It’s not where it’s supposed to be. I’ve searched my entire room for the blasted thing… and to no avail. I’ve asked the girls if they’ve seen my straightener and they have no clue.

So tomorrow I’ll go to work with my hair in some odd concoction as it’s been washed and is fluff ball mania, and I’m sure I’ll come home tomorrow night to find it in the spot it’s supposed to be in.

Habit to break: If I spy something and think I might need it soon, put it in my work bag; that can’t really go missing when I use it every day… right?

trusting friends

Life lessons of this week have been relatively hard and eye-opening at the same time.

It’s amazing, really.. When a man/woman breaks your heart you feel as though you could never trust again. You open up to your friends and give them such an outpour of emotions. And being good friends they take it in their stride, give the obligatory hugs and the “You’ll be OK in the end”. You know, being there for you and consoling you when you’re at your lowest point. In the end you’ve put more effort, emotion, time and anything else into the friendship than you did the relationship.

Some people find it hard to trust a man/woman for quite some time. Often taking time out to find out who they are, ponder the meaning of life and generally live life and have fun. Slowly getting over the recent breakup and pain.

What do you do when it’s your friend who has pained or wronged you? Most people once they make friends it takes a lot for that friendship to dissolve. Friendships last a multitude of years compared to some relationships. How do you ‘move on’ when a friend has hurt you?

I’ve recently had this happen and by the person I probably least expected it from. I still cannot believe it, and what’s worse, they lied to my face about it. Whether or not they realised they were doing the wrong thing at the time is irrelevant. Whether or not they remember it happening is irrelevant. The point is, so much time and effort has gone into the friendship and in one stupid “cranky” moment, information was divulged that could not be taken back.

And it’s often a little thing, too.

It’s very rare that my friendships fall apart. Normally if they do it’s a long time coming. But this one, it was so sudden and totally not seen. I don’t even think this person quite understands how much damage has been done, despite my best efforts to convey the information. They’re in such a place in their own minds that they cannot fathom the pain inflicted on others.

I’d love to be able to say I will forgive and forget. But it’s so fresh right now I am unable to see a way through the broken trust. And that’s exactly what it is. She broke my trust and at the moment my spirit.

It takes such a long time to be able to open up and trust a person when you’re dating.. a friendship not so long, but something tells me it’ll take twice as long to open up that trust barrel again and as upsetting as that is, it’s the harsh reality. This feels twice as bad as a stock standard break up of a relationship. When you’re close friends with someone you’re privvy to a lot of things most people aren’t. Unfortunately the wrong ‘mood’ can change that status rather quickly.

It’s times like this, however, I’ve come to realise who my friends are and that’s always a bonus..

reaction X 2

Dad came to get me from work this morning. He was pushing time as he was planning on a trip to visit my mother. For years he’s tried to get me to visit her, talk to her, be her friend. Each and every time I fall apart. I scream at my father and tell him how he doesn’t understand where I’m coming from. I mention that I don’t want to be friends with her, ever. Something he fails to understand.

So today Dad being pushy was no exception. He told me where he was going and casually slips into the conversation, “You can come down for a while. Relax. Chat. Drink coffee.” Now instead of flipping out and screaming at him, I calmly said, “I’ve got work to do from home.” He didn’t budge so I said, “No thanks. I’m going to do some cooking for the week!” and left it at that.

Nothing more was said. Nothing needed to be said.

you broke me

I remember for years and years I had this insane amount of compassion run through my veins. If there was a baby around, I’d be cuddling him/her. The baby would fall asleep in my arms relatively quickly. If I stumbled upon someone crying, I’d be by their side and instantly know the right things to say. I’m not entirely sure how, but they’d be smiling and have a greater understanding of things.

Then I lost it. Or rather, that part of me broke off. I became broken hearted over one of the cruelest break-ups I’ve ever had. My entire being was shot down, everything I stood for and believed in; taken away in one big hit.

Since then I don’t think I’ve been quite the same. I still have a caring-ish nature. But it’s not as out there as it used to be. Sure now I can’t watch a Disney movie without wanting to cry. I can’t watch the news or read the newspaper because the world sadness is too much for me to bear.

I don’t have the same trust I do for people. Which is sad because I’m such a people person. I’ve become less tolerable to a vast array of things, places and people. As much as I would like the old me back, being that person is not possible. With the positives came the horrible negatives. In hindsight the negatives made the positives all that much better. Some people were in awe of me because I had achieved a few things against the odds.

I randomly have relatives say, “We’re so proud of you for being strong!” Was I strong or was it just the need to survive? That primal instinct to continue breathing for a higher purpose.

While I cannot go back to being that person, nor do I want, I would like to have my compassion back. The deep, raw compassion and the general trust in people. I feel foreign and out of place without it.

I suppose one day I may evolve and it will suddenly be there, just as it was suddenly ripped out of me.. but today I will just accept that for now I am not who I used to be and that in a few years time I won’t be who I am now.

Hopefully then I’ll be un-broken.

beautify

While sitting on the train at some un-godly hour this morning, I looked around me. Most people look as though they’ve been up for hours. Straightening their hair, applying make-up, making sure that one stupid bobby pin keeps their hair in place. They possibly spent at least a good hour beautfying themselves; keeping nothing wayward or out of place.

I on the other hand, woke up* and realised that yes I could catch the train and meet Sarah on it. I ran to the bathroom, peed, lightly slicked my hair down even though I had washed it the night previously. It was bound to fly around on it’s own accord. I quickly grabbed a few hair ties, some bobby pins and bolted for the train.

The most I had done to beautify myself all morning was apply my Paw Paw ointment to my lips and wrangle my bangle, watch and rings onto various parts of my body.

I’m thinking that maybe I should take a little more pride in how I look. I don’t want to look bad, but I also don’t want to give off the impression I’m vain. Hrm, something to ponder for a bit.

one big test

The universe is testing me, hardcore. Throwing things in my face I don’t necessarily want.. or need. But none the less they’re there anyway. Like Adam and Eve being tempted. It’s a choice. Making the right or wrong choice. And of course I’m going to go with the right choice, I believe in karma too much to not do that. It’s a test of faith and wills. My faith is strong, my will, is something else.

The will to watch what I eat. Goes really well for about two weeks, and then I crumble. I’m determined to make a month. I just have too. I can’t keep looking in the mirror and seeing what I’m seeing. So not happy with it. But, that’s crap from another day. I thought today I would have a mini breakdown.. but I held it together. I’m getting better at being able to do that. Good for me.

The State of Origin is on tonight. Go, Queensland!

reaction

Everyone in this house is suffering from PMS today, I’m sure. Two are crying and one is slamming dishes, doors and cupboards. I’m not sure what is going on and I don’t really want to know.

I’m more interested in how I reacted to the whole debacle. Normally I scream, shout and then start slamming doors myself, mainly my bedroom door and just hibernate. Instead I yelled at one of the girls saying we REALLY didn’t need the waterworks or the foghorn sound and no one cared.

I am now still sitting out in the lounge room with all watching the last season of Gilmore Girls, as I have never seen it. Everyone is still rather cranky but I’ve managed to block most of it out.

I can’t guarantee I’ll react so calmly all the time.. but at least it’s a start. Woot!

remaining positive

It’s so hard to remain positive in a place where mostly everyone is negative. Whether it’s because people feel they’re being treated unjustly, or that others should help make up the slack if they have to- it’s causing tension everywhere.

Before I removed myself to another part of the office as I couldn’t deal with the silence. I had complaints coming in from all directions. I don’t mind being a sounding board, but when it’s the same shit over and over, and the person refusing to do anything about it.. that’s when I get cranky.

So I’ve just taken two panadol and am now drinking Green Tea (with lemon) to calm myself down. If that fails I shall go for a walk, or curl up under my desk and sleep.

the middle

I’d say this is the beginning of my blog, but it isn’t. I’ve had an online blog/journal/diary for more years than I care to admit. Often sharing the most intimate to mundane thoughts and musings of my life. I’ve shut down websites because of the attention it was getting, or the ease at which family could get to it. I’ve hidden away for those very reasons.

It’s time to not. I am living life. It’s not the beginning of my life because lets face it, it’s almost 1/4 through. It’s close enough to the middle. I’ve lived 23 years. It’s been crappy. It’s been fun. It’s been life and I’ve lived it in one form or another.

Now is the time for me to take care of myself. In my health. My mental state and my finances. Time to break the nasty habits of putting myself down, eating as a consequence and spending money on shit I don’t need. Frugal living is what I’m about, and I think it’ll open me up to a whole new wonderful life.