reaction X 2

Dad came to get me from work this morning. He was pushing time as he was planning on a trip to visit my mother. For years he’s tried to get me to visit her, talk to her, be her friend. Each and every time I fall apart. I scream at my father and tell him how he doesn’t understand where I’m coming from. I mention that I don’t want to be friends with her, ever. Something he fails to understand.

So today Dad being pushy was no exception. He told me where he was going and casually slips into the conversation, “You can come down for a while. Relax. Chat. Drink coffee.” Now instead of flipping out and screaming at him, I calmly said, “I’ve got work to do from home.” He didn’t budge so I said, “No thanks. I’m going to do some cooking for the week!” and left it at that.

Nothing more was said. Nothing needed to be said.

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you broke me

I remember for years and years I had this insane amount of compassion run through my veins. If there was a baby around, I’d be cuddling him/her. The baby would fall asleep in my arms relatively quickly. If I stumbled upon someone crying, I’d be by their side and instantly know the right things to say. I’m not entirely sure how, but they’d be smiling and have a greater understanding of things.

Then I lost it. Or rather, that part of me broke off. I became broken hearted over one of the cruelest break-ups I’ve ever had. My entire being was shot down, everything I stood for and believed in; taken away in one big hit.

Since then I don’t think I’ve been quite the same. I still have a caring-ish nature. But it’s not as out there as it used to be. Sure now I can’t watch a Disney movie without wanting to cry. I can’t watch the news or read the newspaper because the world sadness is too much for me to bear.

I don’t have the same trust I do for people. Which is sad because I’m such a people person. I’ve become less tolerable to a vast array of things, places and people. As much as I would like the old me back, being that person is not possible. With the positives came the horrible negatives. In hindsight the negatives made the positives all that much better. Some people were in awe of me because I had achieved a few things against the odds.

I randomly have relatives say, “We’re so proud of you for being strong!” Was I strong or was it just the need to survive? That primal instinct to continue breathing for a higher purpose.

While I cannot go back to being that person, nor do I want, I would like to have my compassion back. The deep, raw compassion and the general trust in people. I feel foreign and out of place without it.

I suppose one day I may evolve and it will suddenly be there, just as it was suddenly ripped out of me.. but today I will just accept that for now I am not who I used to be and that in a few years time I won’t be who I am now.

Hopefully then I’ll be un-broken.

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beautify

While sitting on the train at some un-godly hour this morning, I looked around me. Most people look as though they’ve been up for hours. Straightening their hair, applying make-up, making sure that one stupid bobby pin keeps their hair in place. They possibly spent at least a good hour beautfying themselves; keeping nothing wayward or out of place.

I on the other hand, woke up* and realised that yes I could catch the train and meet Sarah on it. I ran to the bathroom, peed, lightly slicked my hair down even though I had washed it the night previously. It was bound to fly around on it’s own accord. I quickly grabbed a few hair ties, some bobby pins and bolted for the train.

The most I had done to beautify myself all morning was apply my Paw Paw ointment to my lips and wrangle my bangle, watch and rings onto various parts of my body.

I’m thinking that maybe I should take a little more pride in how I look. I don’t want to look bad, but I also don’t want to give off the impression I’m vain. Hrm, something to ponder for a bit.

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one big test

The universe is testing me, hardcore. Throwing things in my face I don’t necessarily want.. or need. But none the less they’re there anyway. Like Adam and Eve being tempted. It’s a choice. Making the right or wrong choice. And of course I’m going to go with the right choice, I believe in karma too much to not do that. It’s a test of faith and wills. My faith is strong, my will, is something else.

The will to watch what I eat. Goes really well for about two weeks, and then I crumble. I’m determined to make a month. I just have too. I can’t keep looking in the mirror and seeing what I’m seeing. So not happy with it. But, that’s crap from another day. I thought today I would have a mini breakdown.. but I held it together. I’m getting better at being able to do that. Good for me.

The State of Origin is on tonight. Go, Queensland!

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reaction

Everyone in this house is suffering from PMS today, I’m sure. Two are crying and one is slamming dishes, doors and cupboards. I’m not sure what is going on and I don’t really want to know.

I’m more interested in how I reacted to the whole debacle. Normally I scream, shout and then start slamming doors myself, mainly my bedroom door and just hibernate. Instead I yelled at one of the girls saying we REALLY didn’t need the waterworks or the foghorn sound and no one cared.

I am now still sitting out in the lounge room with all watching the last season of Gilmore Girls, as I have never seen it. Everyone is still rather cranky but I’ve managed to block most of it out.

I can’t guarantee I’ll react so calmly all the time.. but at least it’s a start. Woot!

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remaining positive

It’s so hard to remain positive in a place where mostly everyone is negative. Whether it’s because people feel they’re being treated unjustly, or that others should help make up the slack if they have to- it’s causing tension everywhere.

Before I removed myself to another part of the office as I couldn’t deal with the silence. I had complaints coming in from all directions. I don’t mind being a sounding board, but when it’s the same shit over and over, and the person refusing to do anything about it.. that’s when I get cranky.

So I’ve just taken two panadol and am now drinking Green Tea (with lemon) to calm myself down. If that fails I shall go for a walk, or curl up under my desk and sleep.

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the middle

I’d say this is the beginning of my blog, but it isn’t. I’ve had an online blog/journal/diary for more years than I care to admit. Often sharing the most intimate to mundane thoughts and musings of my life. I’ve shut down websites because of the attention it was getting, or the ease at which family could get to it. I’ve hidden away for those very reasons.

It’s time to not. I am living life. It’s not the beginning of my life because lets face it, it’s almost 1/4 through. It’s close enough to the middle. I’ve lived 23 years. It’s been crappy. It’s been fun. It’s been life and I’ve lived it in one form or another.

Now is the time for me to take care of myself. In my health. My mental state and my finances. Time to break the nasty habits of putting myself down, eating as a consequence and spending money on shit I don’t need. Frugal living is what I’m about, and I think it’ll open me up to a whole new wonderful life.

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