what to do

Oh boy.

I spoke to Kristine just before about possibly going back to work for her, as many hours possible. She needs to sort out her Uni staff but will do anything she can to help me out. Another centre, just down the road from here apparently have a staff shortage. So that’s there as well.

I just had the recruiter for the health fund call me. Apparently I was sent an email this week and didn’t respond so she was checking to see how things were going. I couldn’t lie to her. I let her know outside influences were effecting my work, which is true. She’s had reports that I’m doing really well.. which sucks.

It’s a great job with great opportunities.. but my head is just not in the right space to be abused by adults on a daily basis. Kids, no problem. They’re kids and mostly don’t know better.

What do I do???

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reminder: organised

The only to become more organised is to BE more organised!

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there’s no place like home

I wish I felt at home. The place where I feel most at home is living with Dad and the girls. Sad to say, but true. Sometimes it’s a living hell and sometimes it’s the best fun I could ever have. Years ago it was nothing but hell. I honestly don’t know how I survived. Must be that inner strength my family members talk about?

I’m currently trying to save money for a deposit.. on a house. Now this might end up being a pointless exercise as house prices keep going up and me being a lower wage earner can’t get a loan for all that much. But, it’s something I have to keep working towards. It’s a goal that I will achieve, one way or another. I just have to do it. I need to find ‘home’. I’m beginning to go crazy not feeling comfortable enough anywhere I live.

Maybe it’s an internal, issue if anything? Who knows.

Dorothy was right.. there’s no place like home. It’s just a matter of finding where ‘home’ is.

I could just move out of Dads and rent my own place, but with the increase in interest rates I could live somewhere for 6months and then have to move again, or worse, have the rent go up lots more $$$. I don’t want to be paying someone else’s house off, either.

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to do list: week 29/06 to 05/07

• Remove direct debit from account (Body Works)
• Go visit Curves store and make enquiry
• Clearn for at least 15minutes everyday
• List stuff on Ebay
• Eat well
• Exercise 30minutes per day
• Save as much money as possible

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running

When I opened up this page I had something I wanted to write about. Avoidance, actually. But now I find that I don’t want to write about it. Ha! I’m avoiding writing about avoidance. Funny, that.

I just went for a run. Now I’m not much of a runner (I prefer brisk walks). But I’m going to make myself a runner. One day at a time, and I will do it. Baby steps. That’s all I can do. I don’t want to run to lose weight, and I don’t want to run just for something to do. I want to run because I can. Because I’m pretty good at running away from certain things, may as well make sure I can run really fast and really long.. Haha!

No, I want to be able to feel that rush of endorphins from a really good workout. Endorphins make you happy and I want to be as happy as can be. Unfortuantely avoiding un-pleasant things isn’t making me happy, but I’m not un-happy because I stepped over the avoidance pile and I’ve done what I know I should do, either.

I’m talking in circles here. Clearly my run didn’t clear much in my head. But then again I didn’t run for long. Baby steps.

I can do it. And at the end of it, I will be OK.

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fairies – missing things

I think in a previous life I pissed off the fairies.

Just recently everytime I go to look for something that I know is in a particular place, I can’t find it.

Take for example the night of Natalie’s hens night; I knew I wanted to wear make-up and feel all pretty. I went to my draw where I *knew* my mascara was. Got to the draw to find it wasn’t there. I searched high and low for two solid hours, and couldn’t find it anywhere in the house. I even requested the help of my sisters, and they failed. The next morning, guess what I found in the draw where it should’ve been the night before?

Just now I’ve gone to get my hair straightener from the place it’s supposed to be in. I saw it there this morning and thought, “Hrm, I’ll need that tonight.” and left for work. It’s not where it’s supposed to be. I’ve searched my entire room for the blasted thing… and to no avail. I’ve asked the girls if they’ve seen my straightener and they have no clue.

So tomorrow I’ll go to work with my hair in some odd concoction as it’s been washed and is fluff ball mania, and I’m sure I’ll come home tomorrow night to find it in the spot it’s supposed to be in.

Habit to break: If I spy something and think I might need it soon, put it in my work bag; that can’t really go missing when I use it every day… right?

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trusting friends

Life lessons of this week have been relatively hard and eye-opening at the same time.

It’s amazing, really.. When a man/woman breaks your heart you feel as though you could never trust again. You open up to your friends and give them such an outpour of emotions. And being good friends they take it in their stride, give the obligatory hugs and the “You’ll be OK in the end”. You know, being there for you and consoling you when you’re at your lowest point. In the end you’ve put more effort, emotion, time and anything else into the friendship than you did the relationship.

Some people find it hard to trust a man/woman for quite some time. Often taking time out to find out who they are, ponder the meaning of life and generally live life and have fun. Slowly getting over the recent breakup and pain.

What do you do when it’s your friend who has pained or wronged you? Most people once they make friends it takes a lot for that friendship to dissolve. Friendships last a multitude of years compared to some relationships. How do you ‘move on’ when a friend has hurt you?

I’ve recently had this happen and by the person I probably least expected it from. I still cannot believe it, and what’s worse, they lied to my face about it. Whether or not they realised they were doing the wrong thing at the time is irrelevant. Whether or not they remember it happening is irrelevant. The point is, so much time and effort has gone into the friendship and in one stupid “cranky” moment, information was divulged that could not be taken back.

And it’s often a little thing, too.

It’s very rare that my friendships fall apart. Normally if they do it’s a long time coming. But this one, it was so sudden and totally not seen. I don’t even think this person quite understands how much damage has been done, despite my best efforts to convey the information. They’re in such a place in their own minds that they cannot fathom the pain inflicted on others.

I’d love to be able to say I will forgive and forget. But it’s so fresh right now I am unable to see a way through the broken trust. And that’s exactly what it is. She broke my trust and at the moment my spirit.

It takes such a long time to be able to open up and trust a person when you’re dating.. a friendship not so long, but something tells me it’ll take twice as long to open up that trust barrel again and as upsetting as that is, it’s the harsh reality. This feels twice as bad as a stock standard break up of a relationship. When you’re close friends with someone you’re privvy to a lot of things most people aren’t. Unfortunately the wrong ‘mood’ can change that status rather quickly.

It’s times like this, however, I’ve come to realise who my friends are and that’s always a bonus..

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reaction X 2

Dad came to get me from work this morning. He was pushing time as he was planning on a trip to visit my mother. For years he’s tried to get me to visit her, talk to her, be her friend. Each and every time I fall apart. I scream at my father and tell him how he doesn’t understand where I’m coming from. I mention that I don’t want to be friends with her, ever. Something he fails to understand.

So today Dad being pushy was no exception. He told me where he was going and casually slips into the conversation, “You can come down for a while. Relax. Chat. Drink coffee.” Now instead of flipping out and screaming at him, I calmly said, “I’ve got work to do from home.” He didn’t budge so I said, “No thanks. I’m going to do some cooking for the week!” and left it at that.

Nothing more was said. Nothing needed to be said.

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beautify

While sitting on the train at some un-godly hour this morning, I looked around me. Most people look as though they’ve been up for hours. Straightening their hair, applying make-up, making sure that one stupid bobby pin keeps their hair in place. They possibly spent at least a good hour beautfying themselves; keeping nothing wayward or out of place.

I on the other hand, woke up* and realised that yes I could catch the train and meet Sarah on it. I ran to the bathroom, peed, lightly slicked my hair down even though I had washed it the night previously. It was bound to fly around on it’s own accord. I quickly grabbed a few hair ties, some bobby pins and bolted for the train.

The most I had done to beautify myself all morning was apply my Paw Paw ointment to my lips and wrangle my bangle, watch and rings onto various parts of my body.

I’m thinking that maybe I should take a little more pride in how I look. I don’t want to look bad, but I also don’t want to give off the impression I’m vain. Hrm, something to ponder for a bit.

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one big test

The universe is testing me, hardcore. Throwing things in my face I don’t necessarily want.. or need. But none the less they’re there anyway. Like Adam and Eve being tempted. It’s a choice. Making the right or wrong choice. And of course I’m going to go with the right choice, I believe in karma too much to not do that. It’s a test of faith and wills. My faith is strong, my will, is something else.

The will to watch what I eat. Goes really well for about two weeks, and then I crumble. I’m determined to make a month. I just have too. I can’t keep looking in the mirror and seeing what I’m seeing. So not happy with it. But, that’s crap from another day. I thought today I would have a mini breakdown.. but I held it together. I’m getting better at being able to do that. Good for me.

The State of Origin is on tonight. Go, Queensland!

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