- Remove direct debit from account (Body Works)
- Go visit Curves store and make enquiry
- Clearn for at least 15minutes everyday
- List stuff on Ebay
- Eat well
- Exercise 30minutes per day
- Save as much money as possible
Archive for June, 2008
to do list: week 29/06 to 05/07
Posted in General, Keeping Track on June 29, 2008| Leave a Comment »
heavily broken
Posted in Me, Me, Me on June 21, 2008| 1 Comment »
“I’m heavily broken
And I don’t know what to do
Can’t you see that I’m choking
And I can’t even move
When there’s nothing left to say
What can you do?
I’m heavily broken
And there’s nothing I can do
And there’s nothing I can do
Feels like I’m drowning
I’m screaming for air
(Screaming for air)
Louder I’m crying
And you don’t even care”
[Heavily Broken – The Veronica’s]
Last night when I got home from work I rang the front door bell, as I usually do. My keys are normally jammed somewhere deep in my bag and it takes more effort to remove my back pack and fish it out. Mikaela, my extremely moody-at-times sister always jumps up from her embedded seat, where she spends most of her life, opens the door and always asks, “Don’t you have a key!?”. Sorry to inconvenience you love, but this is probably the most exercise you get.. so no, I don’t have a fucking key!
Last night was no different. Only she yelled at me hardcore, “You have a key. USE IT!” I simply laughed and said, “No Krispy Kreme for you”. Ashleigh looked at me and giggled and said that Mikki had had a bad day at school. Fine, I get that.
I put the KK in the kitchen and retreat to my room when Ashleigh comes in and asks what my plans for Saturday (today) were. I mentioned I had to be at work by 11am and wouldn’t be back until 8pm. She mentioned something about her best friend coming over and that’s when the second lot of shit happened.
Long story short, I had previously told the girls no sleep overs this weekend as I had a work function/activity to attend on Sunday and they were invited. They had actually bugged me for months on end about coming to this thing. So I mentioned to her that her friend couldn’t stay the night as we had plans on Sunday and Ash spacks out at me saying, “I told you I wasn’t feeling well and probably wouldn’t be by Sunday!”. I posed the question why was her friend coming over.
This instigated a huge fucking debate and screaming match. We all ended up in tears and retreating to our rooms.
Cut to today. I found out Ashleigh’s friend was indeed coming over and I spacked it big time. She eventually said, “I don’t really want to go anyway!!”
I was ready to pounce on her. I was so mad. Fair enough if she’s not feeling well I can understand that, but to have a friend come over and then state she didn’t really want to go. What the? If you make a commitment to something, you turn up!!!
Anyway, that aside.. This whole thing caused a huge fight between my father and I. In the end I was made to feel like I wasn’t wanted/needed and that I was pretty spoiled. I know I’m not all of these things. I do my damndest to make sure the girls are well looked after. After all I had an entire day planned for us, etc. I lost it.
I’ve known over the past few weeks that my depression was rearing its ugly head. Some things just weren’t adding up in my life. Certain people were showing up in my life and then leaving just as quickly. Nothing I’m overly surprised over. Others were disappointing me in ways I never thought could ever, or ever would. I had been thrown from my cushy safe place and began to free-fall. I’m still falling but I’m aware of it.
So this morning during the fighting with my father I went into my room and just sobbed. Sobbing turned into extreme sobbing, to the point that I had trouble breathing. Which then escalated to me panicking about not being able to breathe, and me sobbing even more because I was about to die and no one outside cared. Vicious fucking cycle. But I was pretty wound up and panicked hardcore. This went on for around 5minutes. Five long minutes of sobbing and not being able to breathe, just wanting everything to end.
Horrible place to be in. Not a place I want to be in again. Unfortunately all of my wake up calls to snap me out of depression aren’t working. This is something I just have to ride out, I think. Some things I just can’t control and I know this but it doesn’t make it suck any less.
running
Posted in General, Me, Me, Me on June 11, 2008| Leave a Comment »
When I opened up this page I had something I wanted to write about. Avoidance, actually. But now I find that I don’t want to write about it. Ha! I’m avoiding writing about avoidance. Funny, that.
I just went for a run. Now I’m not much of a runner (I prefer brisk walks). But I’m going to make myself a runner. One day at a time, and I will do it. Baby steps. That’s all I can do. I don’t want to run to lose weight, and I don’t want to run just for something to do. I want to run because I can. Because I’m pretty good at running away from certain things, may as well make sure I can run really fast and really long.. Haha!
No, I want to be able to feel that rush of endorphins from a really good workout. Endorphins make you happy and I want to be as happy as can be. Unfortuantely avoiding un-pleasant things isn’t making me happy, but I’m not un-happy because I stepped over the avoidance pile and I’ve done what I know I should do, either.
I’m talking in circles here. Clearly my run didn’t clear much in my head. But then again I didn’t run for long. Baby steps.
I can do it. And at the end of it, I will be OK.
fairies – missing things
Posted in General on June 3, 2008| Leave a Comment »
I think in a previous life I pissed off the fairies.
Just recently everytime I go to look for something that I know is in a particular place, I can’t find it.
Take for example the night of Natalie’s hens night; I knew I wanted to wear make-up and feel all pretty. I went to my draw where I *knew* my mascara was. Got to the draw to find it wasn’t there. I searched high and low for two solid hours, and couldn’t find it anywhere in the house. I even requested the help of my sisters, and they failed. The next morning, guess what I found in the draw where it should’ve been the night before?
Just now I’ve gone to get my hair straightener from the place it’s supposed to be in. I saw it there this morning and thought, “Hrm, I’ll need that tonight.” and left for work. It’s not where it’s supposed to be. I’ve searched my entire room for the blasted thing… and to no avail. I’ve asked the girls if they’ve seen my straightener and they have no clue.
So tomorrow I’ll go to work with my hair in some odd concoction as it’s been washed and is fluff ball mania, and I’m sure I’ll come home tomorrow night to find it in the spot it’s supposed to be in.
Habit to break: If I spy something and think I might need it soon, put it in my work bag; that can’t really go missing when I use it every day… right?
trusting friends
Posted in General, Me, Me, Me on June 3, 2008| Leave a Comment »
Life lessons of this week have been relatively hard and eye-opening at the same time.
It’s amazing, really.. When a man/woman breaks your heart you feel as though you could never trust again. You open up to your friends and give them such an outpour of emotions. And being good friends they take it in their stride, give the obligatory hugs and the “You’ll be OK in the end”. You know, being there for you and consoling you when you’re at your lowest point. In the end you’ve put more effort, emotion, time and anything else into the friendship than you did the relationship.
Some people find it hard to trust a man/woman for quite some time. Often taking time out to find out who they are, ponder the meaning of life and generally live life and have fun. Slowly getting over the recent breakup and pain.
What do you do when it’s your friend who has pained or wronged you? Most people once they make friends it takes a lot for that friendship to dissolve. Friendships last a multitude of years compared to some relationships. How do you ‘move on’ when a friend has hurt you?
I’ve recently had this happen and by the person I probably least expected it from. I still cannot believe it, and what’s worse, they lied to my face about it. Whether or not they realised they were doing the wrong thing at the time is irrelevant. Whether or not they remember it happening is irrelevant. The point is, so much time and effort has gone into the friendship and in one stupid “cranky” moment, information was divulged that could not be taken back.
And it’s often a little thing, too.
It’s very rare that my friendships fall apart. Normally if they do it’s a long time coming. But this one, it was so sudden and totally not seen. I don’t even think this person quite understands how much damage has been done, despite my best efforts to convey the information. They’re in such a place in their own minds that they cannot fathom the pain inflicted on others.
I’d love to be able to say I will forgive and forget. But it’s so fresh right now I am unable to see a way through the broken trust. And that’s exactly what it is. She broke my trust and at the moment my spirit.
It takes such a long time to be able to open up and trust a person when you’re dating.. a friendship not so long, but something tells me it’ll take twice as long to open up that trust barrel again and as upsetting as that is, it’s the harsh reality. This feels twice as bad as a stock standard break up of a relationship. When you’re close friends with someone you’re privvy to a lot of things most people aren’t. Unfortunately the wrong ‘mood’ can change that status rather quickly.
It’s times like this, however, I’ve come to realise who my friends are and that’s always a bonus..
Breaking the Habit 