times a’changin’

So manyy changes. I’m surprised my head hasn’t exploded yet.

I went for my weekly check up with Dr Green today. I’ve got the rest of the week off to do some soul searching. Over the course of my weekend just gone I was looking online for other jobs. I quickly realised I was looking in the childcare field.

I haven’t been back to my old job since I started at the health fund and I feel a slight sense of loss. One reason why I left childcare, apart from it being rather stressful and un-bearable at the time, is because all my life I have been around kids. Taking care of them, etc. Everyone expected me to stay in childcare and excel. I wanted to prove I did more than that. I think I wasn’t getting a sense of fullfilment.

I want to work with kids again. I love kids. Yeah it’s stressful. But it’s pretty rewarding too. Having children recognise you.. and miss you. It’s wonderful! If I can make one difference in a childs life.. and it be a long lasting difference then I’ve done a great job.

I want to make a difference. I don’t want to be a voicce at the end of the phone. I want that interaction with growing minds. I want to provide a great environment and a challenging one.

I have to take time this week to really organise and sort out where I want to be and what direction to go in. But I think I already know where my heart lies..

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scars

I’ve been a little slack recently. I want to update a little more often, especially since there are quite a few things happening in my life at the moment.

I quit my old job. Kind of had a mental breakdown upon starting a new job and now I’m back on medication.

The other morning while I was on the bus to work, I was bopping to my Ipod when I randomly looked down and saw a little scar on my arm. It’s the tiniest scar, but I have no idea where it came from. I guess I’ve had it for years and years. I’ve got other random scars, a fairly big one of my shin. No idea where it came from, either.

It got me thinking.. how many internal scars do I have, lurking around in my subconcious, waiting to explode? This is rather relevant these days because I’ll be starting therapy soon. Those internal scars are about to come barreling out in all their glory.

One step at a time I’ll go, swimming through 24years worth of scarring… but at the end of it, a rather large habit will be changed.

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reminder: organised

The only to become more organised is to BE more organised!

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heavily broken

“I’m heavily broken
And I don’t know what to do
Can’t you see that I’m choking
And I can’t even move
When there’s nothing left to say
What can you do?
I’m heavily broken
And there’s nothing I can do
And there’s nothing I can do

Feels like I’m drowning
I’m screaming for air
(Screaming for air)
Louder I’m crying
And you don’t even care”

[Heavily Broken – The Veronica’s]

Last night when I got home from work I rang the front door bell, as I usually do. My keys are normally jammed somewhere deep in my bag and it takes more effort to remove my back pack and fish it out. Mikaela, my extremely moody-at-times sister always jumps up from her embedded seat, where she spends most of her life, opens the door and always asks, “Don’t you have a key!?”. Sorry to inconvenience you love, but this is probably the most exercise you get.. so no, I don’t have a fucking key!

Last night was no different. Only she yelled at me hardcore, “You have a key. USE IT!” I simply laughed and said, “No Krispy Kreme for you”. Ashleigh looked at me and giggled and said that Mikki had had a bad day at school. Fine, I get that.

I put the KK in the kitchen and retreat to my room when Ashleigh comes in and asks what my plans for Saturday (today) were. I mentioned I had to be at work by 11am and wouldn’t be back until 8pm. She mentioned something about her best friend coming over and that’s when the second lot of shit happened.

Long story short, I had previously told the girls no sleep overs this weekend as I had a work function/activity to attend on Sunday and they were invited. They had actually bugged me for months on end about coming to this thing. So I mentioned to her that her friend couldn’t stay the night as we had plans on Sunday and Ash spacks out at me saying, “I told you I wasn’t feeling well and probably wouldn’t be by Sunday!”. I posed the question why was her friend coming over.

This instigated a huge fucking debate and screaming match. We all ended up in tears and retreating to our rooms.

Cut to today. I found out Ashleigh’s friend was indeed coming over and I spacked it big time. She eventually said, “I don’t really want to go anyway!!”

I was ready to pounce on her. I was so mad. Fair enough if she’s not feeling well I can understand that, but to have a friend come over and then state she didn’t really want to go. What the? If you make a commitment to something, you turn up!!!

Anyway, that aside.. This whole thing caused a huge fight between my father and I. In the end I was made to feel like I wasn’t wanted/needed and that I was pretty spoiled. I know I’m not all of these things. I do my damndest to make sure the girls are well looked after. After all I had an entire day planned for us, etc. I lost it.

I’ve known over the past few weeks that my depression was rearing its ugly head. Some things just weren’t adding up in my life. Certain people were showing up in my life and then leaving just as quickly. Nothing I’m overly surprised over. Others were disappointing me in ways I never thought could ever, or ever would. I had been thrown from my cushy safe place and began to free-fall. I’m still falling but I’m aware of it.

So this morning during the fighting with my father I went into my room and just sobbed. Sobbing turned into extreme sobbing, to the point that I had trouble breathing. Which then escalated to me panicking about not being able to breathe, and me sobbing even more because I was about to die and no one outside cared. Vicious fucking cycle. But I was pretty wound up and panicked hardcore. This went on for around 5minutes. Five long minutes of sobbing and not being able to breathe, just wanting everything to end.

Horrible place to be in. Not a place I want to be in again. Unfortunately all of my wake up calls to snap me out of depression aren’t working. This is something I just have to ride out, I think. Some things I just can’t control and I know this but it doesn’t make it suck any less.

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back on track

This morning I used my Wii fit and did some boxing and muscle exercises. I had some breakfast. Talked on the phone. Used the cross trainer for around 10minutes while watching, “Girl, Interrupted” and then had a shower. I decided that by this time I was ready for lunch andd ate a pre-made Caesar Salad, something I purchased from Woolworths the night before.

The last few days have been a major whirlwind for me. I didn’t know what was up or down or who to trust. I’m still fairly unsure, too.

Process of elimination at the moment. A lot of decisions are being made. But in the meantime I’m going to take care of myself physically. Work out. Eat right. Concentrate on breathing, rather than stressing.

Getting back on track one day at a time.

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running

When I opened up this page I had something I wanted to write about. Avoidance, actually. But now I find that I don’t want to write about it. Ha! I’m avoiding writing about avoidance. Funny, that.

I just went for a run. Now I’m not much of a runner (I prefer brisk walks). But I’m going to make myself a runner. One day at a time, and I will do it. Baby steps. That’s all I can do. I don’t want to run to lose weight, and I don’t want to run just for something to do. I want to run because I can. Because I’m pretty good at running away from certain things, may as well make sure I can run really fast and really long.. Haha!

No, I want to be able to feel that rush of endorphins from a really good workout. Endorphins make you happy and I want to be as happy as can be. Unfortuantely avoiding un-pleasant things isn’t making me happy, but I’m not un-happy because I stepped over the avoidance pile and I’ve done what I know I should do, either.

I’m talking in circles here. Clearly my run didn’t clear much in my head. But then again I didn’t run for long. Baby steps.

I can do it. And at the end of it, I will be OK.

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trusting friends

Life lessons of this week have been relatively hard and eye-opening at the same time.

It’s amazing, really.. When a man/woman breaks your heart you feel as though you could never trust again. You open up to your friends and give them such an outpour of emotions. And being good friends they take it in their stride, give the obligatory hugs and the “You’ll be OK in the end”. You know, being there for you and consoling you when you’re at your lowest point. In the end you’ve put more effort, emotion, time and anything else into the friendship than you did the relationship.

Some people find it hard to trust a man/woman for quite some time. Often taking time out to find out who they are, ponder the meaning of life and generally live life and have fun. Slowly getting over the recent breakup and pain.

What do you do when it’s your friend who has pained or wronged you? Most people once they make friends it takes a lot for that friendship to dissolve. Friendships last a multitude of years compared to some relationships. How do you ‘move on’ when a friend has hurt you?

I’ve recently had this happen and by the person I probably least expected it from. I still cannot believe it, and what’s worse, they lied to my face about it. Whether or not they realised they were doing the wrong thing at the time is irrelevant. Whether or not they remember it happening is irrelevant. The point is, so much time and effort has gone into the friendship and in one stupid “cranky” moment, information was divulged that could not be taken back.

And it’s often a little thing, too.

It’s very rare that my friendships fall apart. Normally if they do it’s a long time coming. But this one, it was so sudden and totally not seen. I don’t even think this person quite understands how much damage has been done, despite my best efforts to convey the information. They’re in such a place in their own minds that they cannot fathom the pain inflicted on others.

I’d love to be able to say I will forgive and forget. But it’s so fresh right now I am unable to see a way through the broken trust. And that’s exactly what it is. She broke my trust and at the moment my spirit.

It takes such a long time to be able to open up and trust a person when you’re dating.. a friendship not so long, but something tells me it’ll take twice as long to open up that trust barrel again and as upsetting as that is, it’s the harsh reality. This feels twice as bad as a stock standard break up of a relationship. When you’re close friends with someone you’re privvy to a lot of things most people aren’t. Unfortunately the wrong ‘mood’ can change that status rather quickly.

It’s times like this, however, I’ve come to realise who my friends are and that’s always a bonus..

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you broke me

I remember for years and years I had this insane amount of compassion run through my veins. If there was a baby around, I’d be cuddling him/her. The baby would fall asleep in my arms relatively quickly. If I stumbled upon someone crying, I’d be by their side and instantly know the right things to say. I’m not entirely sure how, but they’d be smiling and have a greater understanding of things.

Then I lost it. Or rather, that part of me broke off. I became broken hearted over one of the cruelest break-ups I’ve ever had. My entire being was shot down, everything I stood for and believed in; taken away in one big hit.

Since then I don’t think I’ve been quite the same. I still have a caring-ish nature. But it’s not as out there as it used to be. Sure now I can’t watch a Disney movie without wanting to cry. I can’t watch the news or read the newspaper because the world sadness is too much for me to bear.

I don’t have the same trust I do for people. Which is sad because I’m such a people person. I’ve become less tolerable to a vast array of things, places and people. As much as I would like the old me back, being that person is not possible. With the positives came the horrible negatives. In hindsight the negatives made the positives all that much better. Some people were in awe of me because I had achieved a few things against the odds.

I randomly have relatives say, “We’re so proud of you for being strong!” Was I strong or was it just the need to survive? That primal instinct to continue breathing for a higher purpose.

While I cannot go back to being that person, nor do I want, I would like to have my compassion back. The deep, raw compassion and the general trust in people. I feel foreign and out of place without it.

I suppose one day I may evolve and it will suddenly be there, just as it was suddenly ripped out of me.. but today I will just accept that for now I am not who I used to be and that in a few years time I won’t be who I am now.

Hopefully then I’ll be un-broken.

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beautify

While sitting on the train at some un-godly hour this morning, I looked around me. Most people look as though they’ve been up for hours. Straightening their hair, applying make-up, making sure that one stupid bobby pin keeps their hair in place. They possibly spent at least a good hour beautfying themselves; keeping nothing wayward or out of place.

I on the other hand, woke up* and realised that yes I could catch the train and meet Sarah on it. I ran to the bathroom, peed, lightly slicked my hair down even though I had washed it the night previously. It was bound to fly around on it’s own accord. I quickly grabbed a few hair ties, some bobby pins and bolted for the train.

The most I had done to beautify myself all morning was apply my Paw Paw ointment to my lips and wrangle my bangle, watch and rings onto various parts of my body.

I’m thinking that maybe I should take a little more pride in how I look. I don’t want to look bad, but I also don’t want to give off the impression I’m vain. Hrm, something to ponder for a bit.

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