what to do

Oh boy.

I spoke to Kristine just before about possibly going back to work for her, as many hours possible. She needs to sort out her Uni staff but will do anything she can to help me out. Another centre, just down the road from here apparently have a staff shortage. So that’s there as well.

I just had the recruiter for the health fund call me. Apparently I was sent an email this week and didn’t respond so she was checking to see how things were going. I couldn’t lie to her. I let her know outside influences were effecting my work, which is true. She’s had reports that I’m doing really well.. which sucks.

It’s a great job with great opportunities.. but my head is just not in the right space to be abused by adults on a daily basis. Kids, no problem. They’re kids and mostly don’t know better.

What do I do???

times a’changin’

So manyy changes. I’m surprised my head hasn’t exploded yet.

I went for my weekly check up with Dr Green today. I’ve got the rest of the week off to do some soul searching. Over the course of my weekend just gone I was looking online for other jobs. I quickly realised I was looking in the childcare field.

I haven’t been back to my old job since I started at the health fund and I feel a slight sense of loss. One reason why I left childcare, apart from it being rather stressful and un-bearable at the time, is because all my life I have been around kids. Taking care of them, etc. Everyone expected me to stay in childcare and excel. I wanted to prove I did more than that. I think I wasn’t getting a sense of fullfilment.

I want to work with kids again. I love kids. Yeah it’s stressful. But it’s pretty rewarding too. Having children recognise you.. and miss you. It’s wonderful! If I can make one difference in a childs life.. and it be a long lasting difference then I’ve done a great job.

I want to make a difference. I don’t want to be a voicce at the end of the phone. I want that interaction with growing minds. I want to provide a great environment and a challenging one.

I have to take time this week to really organise and sort out where I want to be and what direction to go in. But I think I already know where my heart lies..

scars

I’ve been a little slack recently. I want to update a little more often, especially since there are quite a few things happening in my life at the moment.

I quit my old job. Kind of had a mental breakdown upon starting a new job and now I’m back on medication.

The other morning while I was on the bus to work, I was bopping to my Ipod when I randomly looked down and saw a little scar on my arm. It’s the tiniest scar, but I have no idea where it came from. I guess I’ve had it for years and years. I’ve got other random scars, a fairly big one of my shin. No idea where it came from, either.

It got me thinking.. how many internal scars do I have, lurking around in my subconcious, waiting to explode? This is rather relevant these days because I’ll be starting therapy soon. Those internal scars are about to come barreling out in all their glory.

One step at a time I’ll go, swimming through 24years worth of scarring… but at the end of it, a rather large habit will be changed.

reminder: organised

The only to become more organised is to BE more organised!

there’s no place like home

I wish I felt at home. The place where I feel most at home is living with Dad and the girls. Sad to say, but true. Sometimes it’s a living hell and sometimes it’s the best fun I could ever have. Years ago it was nothing but hell. I honestly don’t know how I survived. Must be that inner strength my family members talk about?

I’m currently trying to save money for a deposit.. on a house. Now this might end up being a pointless exercise as house prices keep going up and me being a lower wage earner can’t get a loan for all that much. But, it’s something I have to keep working towards. It’s a goal that I will achieve, one way or another. I just have to do it. I need to find ‘home’. I’m beginning to go crazy not feeling comfortable enough anywhere I live.

Maybe it’s an internal, issue if anything? Who knows.

Dorothy was right.. there’s no place like home. It’s just a matter of finding where ‘home’ is.

I could just move out of Dads and rent my own place, but with the increase in interest rates I could live somewhere for 6months and then have to move again, or worse, have the rent go up lots more $$$. I don’t want to be paying someone else’s house off, either.

to do list: week 29/06 to 05/07

• Remove direct debit from account (Body Works)
• Go visit Curves store and make enquiry
• Clearn for at least 15minutes everyday
• List stuff on Ebay
• Eat well
• Exercise 30minutes per day
• Save as much money as possible

heavily broken

“I’m heavily broken
And I don’t know what to do
Can’t you see that I’m choking
And I can’t even move
When there’s nothing left to say
What can you do?
I’m heavily broken
And there’s nothing I can do
And there’s nothing I can do

Feels like I’m drowning
I’m screaming for air
(Screaming for air)
Louder I’m crying
And you don’t even care”

[Heavily Broken – The Veronica’s]

Last night when I got home from work I rang the front door bell, as I usually do. My keys are normally jammed somewhere deep in my bag and it takes more effort to remove my back pack and fish it out. Mikaela, my extremely moody-at-times sister always jumps up from her embedded seat, where she spends most of her life, opens the door and always asks, “Don’t you have a key!?”. Sorry to inconvenience you love, but this is probably the most exercise you get.. so no, I don’t have a fucking key!

Last night was no different. Only she yelled at me hardcore, “You have a key. USE IT!” I simply laughed and said, “No Krispy Kreme for you”. Ashleigh looked at me and giggled and said that Mikki had had a bad day at school. Fine, I get that.

I put the KK in the kitchen and retreat to my room when Ashleigh comes in and asks what my plans for Saturday (today) were. I mentioned I had to be at work by 11am and wouldn’t be back until 8pm. She mentioned something about her best friend coming over and that’s when the second lot of shit happened.

Long story short, I had previously told the girls no sleep overs this weekend as I had a work function/activity to attend on Sunday and they were invited. They had actually bugged me for months on end about coming to this thing. So I mentioned to her that her friend couldn’t stay the night as we had plans on Sunday and Ash spacks out at me saying, “I told you I wasn’t feeling well and probably wouldn’t be by Sunday!”. I posed the question why was her friend coming over.

This instigated a huge fucking debate and screaming match. We all ended up in tears and retreating to our rooms.

Cut to today. I found out Ashleigh’s friend was indeed coming over and I spacked it big time. She eventually said, “I don’t really want to go anyway!!”

I was ready to pounce on her. I was so mad. Fair enough if she’s not feeling well I can understand that, but to have a friend come over and then state she didn’t really want to go. What the? If you make a commitment to something, you turn up!!!

Anyway, that aside.. This whole thing caused a huge fight between my father and I. In the end I was made to feel like I wasn’t wanted/needed and that I was pretty spoiled. I know I’m not all of these things. I do my damndest to make sure the girls are well looked after. After all I had an entire day planned for us, etc. I lost it.

I’ve known over the past few weeks that my depression was rearing its ugly head. Some things just weren’t adding up in my life. Certain people were showing up in my life and then leaving just as quickly. Nothing I’m overly surprised over. Others were disappointing me in ways I never thought could ever, or ever would. I had been thrown from my cushy safe place and began to free-fall. I’m still falling but I’m aware of it.

So this morning during the fighting with my father I went into my room and just sobbed. Sobbing turned into extreme sobbing, to the point that I had trouble breathing. Which then escalated to me panicking about not being able to breathe, and me sobbing even more because I was about to die and no one outside cared. Vicious fucking cycle. But I was pretty wound up and panicked hardcore. This went on for around 5minutes. Five long minutes of sobbing and not being able to breathe, just wanting everything to end.

Horrible place to be in. Not a place I want to be in again. Unfortunately all of my wake up calls to snap me out of depression aren’t working. This is something I just have to ride out, I think. Some things I just can’t control and I know this but it doesn’t make it suck any less.

back on track

This morning I used my Wii fit and did some boxing and muscle exercises. I had some breakfast. Talked on the phone. Used the cross trainer for around 10minutes while watching, “Girl, Interrupted” and then had a shower. I decided that by this time I was ready for lunch andd ate a pre-made Caesar Salad, something I purchased from Woolworths the night before.

The last few days have been a major whirlwind for me. I didn’t know what was up or down or who to trust. I’m still fairly unsure, too.

Process of elimination at the moment. A lot of decisions are being made. But in the meantime I’m going to take care of myself physically. Work out. Eat right. Concentrate on breathing, rather than stressing.

Getting back on track one day at a time.

running

When I opened up this page I had something I wanted to write about. Avoidance, actually. But now I find that I don’t want to write about it. Ha! I’m avoiding writing about avoidance. Funny, that.

I just went for a run. Now I’m not much of a runner (I prefer brisk walks). But I’m going to make myself a runner. One day at a time, and I will do it. Baby steps. That’s all I can do. I don’t want to run to lose weight, and I don’t want to run just for something to do. I want to run because I can. Because I’m pretty good at running away from certain things, may as well make sure I can run really fast and really long.. Haha!

No, I want to be able to feel that rush of endorphins from a really good workout. Endorphins make you happy and I want to be as happy as can be. Unfortuantely avoiding un-pleasant things isn’t making me happy, but I’m not un-happy because I stepped over the avoidance pile and I’ve done what I know I should do, either.

I’m talking in circles here. Clearly my run didn’t clear much in my head. But then again I didn’t run for long. Baby steps.

I can do it. And at the end of it, I will be OK.

time to start – 04/06/08

Today I bought:

1 Off Peak Bus ticket Zone 1 to 3 = $4.80 : This will last me one day.

1 Primo Easy Cut Ham – 0.112g = $1.90 : This will last me one day.

1 Chocolate Breaka – 300ml = $1.49 : This will last me one day.

1 Roma tomato – 0.067kg = $.29 : This will last me two days.

1 Caramello Koala – 40g = $1.30 : This will last me one day.